I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
