We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
