Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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