My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
