it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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