saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
