Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
