batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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