not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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