WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
