He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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