i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
