Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
