fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
