billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
its liver damage thursday
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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