bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
