do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
