The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
