hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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