Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
