I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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