first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
