I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
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