Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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