and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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