I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
