While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Randomize
