and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
