Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
