So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
