I accidentally burped into my bong.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
