I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
