Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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