I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
