I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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