I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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