Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
