I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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