Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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