The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
