Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
We named our party play list daddy issues
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
