I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
