he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
