Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
