I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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