can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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