so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
