The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I just blew my weed a kiss
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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