The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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