well I can't set my house on fire every night
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
So here I am, sexting at work.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
