I can't watch pbs sober anymore
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
