Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
