I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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