sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
