I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
