The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I miss vodka workout Fridays
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
