Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
