Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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