She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
