I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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