I saw his package. It spoke to me.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
